Name: David Michael Hasselhoff
Birth: July 17, 1952, Baltimore, Maryland
Claim to Fame: 6′-4″ All-American TV action/soap hero who has made over $100 million as star/producer of the syndicated series Baywatch, after playing second fiddle to a late model sport-coupe on the series Knight Rider
Power Base: Viewers of TV “t&a” on every continent of the world except Antarctica; and, of course, “the Germans love him.”
Google Hits: 60,800 hits for “david hasselhoff antichrist” as of August 29, 2006
Merits: Earlier this month, David Hasselhoff stole a nanosecond’s-worth of celebrity headlines by musing aloud, “Maybe I am the Antichrist. Maybe that’s why all this weird shit that has started happening to me and women yell at me on the street.”
By “all this weird shit,” Hasselhoff is no doubt referring to a summer of crazy Hasselhoffery, including: (1) a comeback stint as a judge on the NBC hit show, America’s Got Talent; (2) a new European single, “Jump in My Car,” accompanied by a campy video, ; (3) a notorious episode of public tears, when Taylor Hicks won American Idol (“I find it incredulous in this country that if a heterosexual man cries, it’s like ‘Film at 11′”); (4) the spectacle of his nasty public divorce from Pamela Bach, who claims that Hasselhoff is a drunk who broke her nose in an episode of domestic violence (he claims the only person who has broken his estranged wife’s nose was her plastic surgeon — ouch!); (5) that shaving or tooth-brushing accident that resulted in four sliced tendons and one sliced artery in his right arm; (6) that time in July when he was banned from a British Airways flight leaving Heathrow for the States for appearing too intoxicated (he says it was bizarre pain-killing meds for his arm thing) …
Am I leaving anything out? Weird shit, indeed — but not half as weird as the strange coincidences found by Warren S. Apel, the investigative brains behind the now classic web exposé, David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist. Among Apel’s finds, after reviewing the evidence:
- “David Hasselhoff” is an anagram of the phrase “Fad of Devil’s Hash.” Explains Apel: “Baywatch is David’s fad. David is the devil. The Hash is what makes Knight Rider popular in Amsterdam. I was actually hoping to make the letters in his name spell out ‘he is of the devil,’ which would be possible if his middle name was ‘Ethesis,’ which it might be. I’m sure his publicist would hide such a middle name if it were true”;
- Hasselhoff and his crew are mentioned throughout the book of Revelations, from 13:1 (“And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea”) to 20:11 (“And I saw a great white throne, and him that sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away” — to which Apel asks “Doesn’t this sound like an exact description of what the lifeguards on Baywatch do? They sit on their big white wooden throne, and watch out over the sea — waiting for a dying person to get cast up”) to 13:15 (“And in those days men shall seek to find death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them” — to which Apel observes, “One word: CPR”) to the references in 17:3-5 to the whore of babylon, identified by Apel as Pamela Anderson; and
- Several expert numerological analyses of Hasselhoff’s name, all leading to the inevitable ‘666’ — including one march of logic and calculation through a childhood production of Rumplestiltskin in which Hasselhoff participated at age 7.
Not to mention that “Hasselhoff” apparently means something like “horny” in German (although, as the nouveau-80s Dutch band named for Hasselhoff has so eloquently put it, it “doesn’t mean shit in Dutch – or any other language for that matter.”).
Add to all that the circumstances of the falling of the Berlin Wall in November 1989, and suddenly we start to build a real case for Hasselhoff as the Antichrist. In 1989, Hasselhoff released an English-language cover of a 1970s German pop hit, “Auf Der Strasse Nach Suden,” renaming it “Looking for Freedom” — and almost as if by some nefarious miracle, it raced up the pop charts while revolt was in the air throughout Communist Europe. According to the BBC:
By the time Berliners started hacking away at the concrete wall that had divided their city for a generation, the torch-bearing anthem had been number one for several weeks in West Germany.
With its lament, “I’ve been lookin’ for freedom; I’ve been lookin’ so long; I’ve been lookin’ for freedom; still the search goes on,” the song embodied the frustrations of Germany’s years of division. The album of the same name topped the charts for three months and, that December, Hasselhoff was invited to headline a New Year’s Eve concert in the recently reunited city. The gig was apparently rubber-stamped by the then German chancellor, Helmut Kohl.
The singer himself has powerful memories of the performance. “It was the first time Germany had been unified, and close to a million East and West German fans stood together in the freezing cold at midnight watching me perform. I was overcome with emotion,” he recalls.
Hasselhoff, who by now was appearing in Baywatch, scooped a clutch of top German music awards and went on to become one of the country’s biggest selling artists of the 90s.
His popularity even prompted a headline in one German newspaper, “Hasselhoff: not since the Beatles”.
Looking back on the episode prompted Hasselhoff to question, last year, why there were no pictures of him in the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint Charlie, commemorating his role in helping to end the Cold War.
Quay Fortuna’s Analysis: Try as we might to dismiss the Hasselhoff theory as just another tin horn on the “so-and-so is the Antichrist” bandwagon (i.e. “Paris Hilton is the Antichrist,” “Britney Spears is the Antichrist,” “Wilford Brimley is the Antichrist”), that stuff about the Berlin Wall stops us in our tracks. It is the sheer improbability of the helmet-headed actor’s role in the fall of Communism that catches us off-guard — making us think it’s all nothing but a fluke, a trick of chronology and media hype. This, of course, is exactly what the Antichrist would have us think, while he quietly goes about consolidating his power over us.
Much of the answer here probably lies in a further analysis of another question that has been making its rounds through forums and the blogosphere of late: Does the Antichrist know he’s the Antichrist? It is a question that we must reserve for answering at another time — in fact, I’m planning to hold a symposium on this topic in Atlantic City in December — but I will say that if, in fact, it is a theological prerequisite that the Antichrist acts upon his own volition and is not simply some kind of Manchurian Candidate Satanic automaton, then it is possible (despite Hasselhoff’s own musings) that David Hasselhoff can be eliminated from consideration. It is rare, even in show business, to find someone whose apparent lack of self-knowledge is so … well, monolithic is really the only word I can come up with.
At any rate, even if we believe that the Antichrist doesn’t have to be quite so self-conscious about his role on Earth, then in Hasselhoff’s case I think we have a way to head ’em off at the pass. Keep him on those pain-killing meds until the Great Tribulation passes, and we should all be relatively safe.
December 24, 2006 at 8:09 pm
That is absolutely ridiculous!!
December 25, 2006 at 7:16 am
Who is the AntiChrist you may ask?
Theory: It’s Barney!
Maybe you could use a laugh about now. Here’s a thought from “brucehowes” via IDEA-CENTRAL:
Note to all prophecy buffs, the revelation of the TRUE anti-christ is now exposed. It is Barney. here’s proof:
1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all U’s to V’s (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman Numerals:
C- V — V- L — D – I -V
4. Convert these into Arabic values:
100- 5 – 5 -50 – 500 – 1 – 5
5. Add these numbers:
666
There you have it, proof that Barney is the Antichrist! Please pass this truth on to every prophecy student you know. It is imperative that we get the word out before it’s too late!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
December 25, 2006 at 3:08 pm
How stupid of me!!! Why didn’t I see this sooner? Oh, ye that are so blind you do not see…
March 30, 2007 at 10:16 pm
good article, interesting ideas
April 1, 2008 at 10:58 am
Interesting except that Daniel prophecied the Ac would come from the Sleucid portion of the ol Roman areas, i.e.- Syria, Jordan, Lebanon…the only guy I can see today is Abdullah ii of Jordan with his 10 nation confederacy who is spearheading the peace plan with Israel. Being a direct descendant of mohammed with Jewish lineage as well…the guy fits the bill precisely.
August 14, 2008 at 11:00 pm
See my post in:
about Obama’s and Barney’s numbers.
December 20, 2008 at 5:38 am
[…] favorite candidate is The Hoff. Why might David be the un-doer and great deceiver? Hasselhoff and his crew are mentioned […]
April 14, 2009 at 1:59 am
[…] favourite candidate for Anti-Christ. No really, they’re serious! Know Your Antichrist Candidates: David Hasselhoff Armageddon Cocktail Hour __________________ Neocon Fundamentalist reactionaries… giving genuine conservatives a bad name […]
January 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm
[…] up, people: Credit is not the Anti-Christ (that’s actually David Hasselhoff or Santa, depending on who you talk to). It’s not terribly surprising, however, that people have […]
May 24, 2011 at 10:44 am
Hasselhof i 60 in 2012. It is an even number and if you take away the zero and ad two more sixes (the same number as the first six. I know creepy…) you get 666. He also has the same name as David from the bible. His name also contains 22 letters. If you multiply it by 30,27 you get 666. Coincidence? I don’t think so!
April 12, 2012 at 2:00 am
i feel obliged to share a few home truths with you good folks.
first, hoof, or boofhead, as i like to refer to him, is not the anti-christ per se. he’s the beast!
the anti-christ? “W. Axl Rose” whose initials spellout,.??? is the AC.
tom cruise (mapother iv) is the devil child.
cruise like boof head, is involved in some sort of vampire cult! rose?? werewolves. both sides dabble exetensively with witchcraft & black magic.
to date,.. none of them have been able to kill yours truly in his sleep,.. & there have been many attacks. the only fing that’s kept me alive has been faith.
n’ not blind faith either,.. but the kind that relies on knowing.
for the past 30 months moi, has been driving them nuts with a simple stroke of a pen,… i am using poetry to skullfcuk them all per se.
tingle: “tingle. it’ll scar!”
cowabunga? “watch. ooh/aghh!”
higher love, denies no light?
life’s a gamble: “bourbon???”
knight. trickle trickle: “li-
teral spa~a!” hours numbered?
“wants who a s k e d.”
April 12, 2012 at 2:18 am
allow me to share a lil not too well known secret,..
the day 29th February 1900 has been auspiciously removed from the gregorian calendar.
double check bill gates’ microsoft outlook,…?? “it aint there.” grab an ephemeris,…. “it aint there either! & IF it is illustrated, then, the corresponding day of the week has been omitted to throw ‘us off the scent!!
moi,..??? “first came across this fact in october 2007 when attempting to reconcile the gregorian calendar to the mayan calendar.” an error occured with computations until i picked up on the fact that there wasa conspiracy being unfolded.
down here in the land of oz, all these well known celebrities have been frequenting because they’re in cahoots with the ruling minority in this country.
cruise seems to be deified like a demi god. theyre all terrified of the little boy cause he can be quite a handful to deal with,… fangs & all!!!!
a short list of celebs who i know are involved with cruise & his cult of psychos: “john travolta, brad pitt & david husslehoof to name a few,…” to name a few more,…??? “donald duck trump, al gore jnr. & charlie brown aka snoop dogg!”
the list goes on ppls but i figure this will do for the time being.
regards
May 8, 2012 at 10:31 am
[…] […]
August 17, 2012 at 1:17 am
[…] […]
August 20, 2014 at 3:50 am
[…] claim for all concerned. I've seen it seriously claimed that David Hasselhof is, too. Know Your Antichrist Candidates: David Hasselhoff | Armageddon Cocktail Hour __________________ To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. […]
October 3, 2014 at 3:09 am
You could definitely see your skills in the work you write.
The arena hopes for more passionate writers such as you who are
not afraid to say how they believe. All the time follow your
heart.
March 13, 2016 at 4:12 am
[…] (from 2008) is David Hasselhoff of "Baywatch" fame. Hasselhoff gained additional notoriety when he was accused of being the antichrist, not to mention the time he was filmed completely drunk while eating a hamburger in a viral video […]
March 13, 2016 at 4:13 am
[…] is David Hasselhoff of “Baywatch” fame. Hasselhoff gained additional notoriety when he was accused of being the antichrist, not to mention the time he was filmed completely drunk while eating a hamburger in a viral video […]
March 13, 2016 at 8:50 pm
[…] is David Hasselhoff of “Baywatch” fame. Hasselhoff gained additional notoriety when he was accused of being the antichrist, not to mention the time he was filmed completely drunk while eating a hamburger in a viral video […]