5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

I know that Cracked is among our readers’ favorite science magazines … but in case you all missed it, Cracked gives us five reasons to keep us all worried about a zombie apocalypse — and yet none of them seem to involve a Mitt Romney victory in 2008.

 

French Writer Calls Britain a Nation of Zombies; Zombies Cry Foul

Britain is a country of ‘vulgar, aggressive, unprincipled, consumerist zombies,’ according to a new book by a French writer.

Agnes Poirier – who has lived in Britain for a decade, writes for various British newspapers, and has a British boyfriend – says in her book The English Model, A French Illusion that in Britain, ‘customs are characterised less by gallantry and more by virility, cruelty and aggressiveness.’

Her book is intended as a warning to French voters against supporting a new generation of French politicians who model themselves on British politics, and Tony Blair in particular. Right-winger Nicolas Sarkozy and moderate left-winger Segolene Royal both base their politics and presentation on Blair’s techniques, and are considered front-runners for the presidency.

She writes of the British: ‘They have no understanding of philosophy, beauty or art. They do not even have any intellectuals. It is a kingdom of narrowly educated specialists on the one hand and those lacking general culture on the other.

‘This makes for boring conversation. People talk only about what they know about or else limit themselves to comments on the weather, the property market or the cost of educating children.’

Full article here.

Two thoughts: (1) she’s never visited the U.S., and (2) I’ll bet the real Zombies are pissed … all that flesh-eating and devastation-dealing, only to have their headlines stolen by a bunch of pepperpots chatting about low cloud cover while picking through the frozen food section at Tesco’s.  It’s enough to humiliate even the undead.

 

Fake Zombies in Minneapolis

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) – Six friends spruced up in fake blood and tattered clothing were arrested in downtown Minneapolis on suspicion of toting “simulated weapons of mass destruction.”

Police said the group were allegedly carrying bags with wires sticking out, making it look like a bomb, while meandering and dancing to music as part of a “zombie dance party” Saturday night.

“They were arrested for behavior that was suspicious and disturbing,” said Lt. Gregory Reinhardt, a police spokesman. Police also said the group was uncooperative and intimidated people with their “ghoulish” makeup.

Full article here.  As if I’m not already scared of the real thing, these knuckleheads have to go around pretending to be zombies.

I guess the silver lining here is that they were easily outed as fakes.  Real zombies are not merely “uncooperative” — they are terrifying cannibals.  What I wouldn’t give if real zombies were merely uncooperative.

 

None to Drink, But Plenty to Drown In

Worldwide, modest global warming has caused the sea level to rise 6 to 8 inches in the past century, at a stable 2 mm per year. But by 2100, that number could increase by an additional 3 feet, according to a March 2006 report from the California Climate Change Center.

Scientists associate two major factors with the accelerated pace of rising sea levels: the warming of our oceans, causing them to expand; and the melting of ice sheets in Greenland and Antarctica. Much of the melting began in the 20th century, a fact many climate-change scientists attribute to an increase in carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gas emissions. Fluctuations in wind, atmosphere and temperature also affect tides.

With 1 million more people expected to call the Bay Area home by 2020, scientists fear cities will continue to develop in areas close to shore and put themselves at risk.

“We have not incorporated climate change into our long-term planning,” said Dr. Peter Gleick, director of the Pacific Institute in Oakland.

A map the Pacific Institute created in 1990 graphically illustrates what lower Bayside elevations could be facing in 100 years. If water levels were to rise 3.3 feet, or 1 meter, much of San Mateo County east of Highway 101 could be inundated. Foster City would be underwater, as well as San Francisco International Airport and parts of Redwood City and East Palo Alto.

In the East Bay, much of Alameda would be filled, as well as up to four miles of low-lying Hayward and Union City.

Step right up and get your Reno oceanfront condos, ladies and gentlemen. See full article here.

The suspense is killing me. Will California ultimately be done in by (a) a massive earthquake along the San Andreas fault; (b) the lack of potable water from the underground aquifer, coupled with the prohibitive costs associated with desalinization and raiding rivers and reservoirs ever more Eastward; (c) staggering overpopulation and chronic over-consumption of natural resources; (d) a legislature and executive paralyzed by the mandates of the ballot proposition system, (e) a Southern California transportation infrastructure system premised upon the burning of fossil fuels in a world where oil reaches heights of $120 per barrel or more; (f) rising tides along the coast due to global warming; (g) zombies; or (h) all of the above? Is Vegas laying down odds yet? Can I put down a C-note on zombies?

 

Best End-of-the-World Cocktails

The cocktail is a bit of a lost art. However, as we all experiment with ever-more effective ways of ridding ourselves of those pesky brain cells in anticipation of the coming end-of-days, it should come as no surprise that mixologists have been busy in their laboratories creating new and exciting ways to numb us. My advice to you is that as you begin to stock up on plastic jugs of water, batteries and freeze-dried beef stroganoff, it might also be wise to make sure that your liquor cabinet is well provisioned with gin, tequila, chambord and Everclear, among other things. Imagine getting caught short on Goldschlager moments before a plague of locusts — the idea simply haunts me, I can tell you.

With hopes of helping all of you with your fallout shelter shopping lists, here, then, are the top 10 13 best “end-of-world” cocktails:

13. Red Devil. Most forms of apocalypse either begin or end with a red devil of some kind. Take 2 oz. of Irish whiskey, 1-1/2 oz. of clam juice, 1-1/2 oz. tomato juice, a dash of Worcestershire, 1/4 oz. fresh lime juice and a pinch of pepper and toss it up in a highball glass with ice.

12. The Blackout. Combine 1 oz. fresh lime juice, 1-1/2 oz. gin, and 3/4 oz. of blackberry brandy, shake with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. If you take your shaker and roll it out on the top of your bar like a rolling pin, you could conceivably call this a Rolling Blackout. Just a thought.

11. Dark and Stormy. This one has a long tradition of being consumed prior to (and during) hurricanes and tropical storms — and certainly the name conjures up precisely the kind of eerie, pre-catastrophic atmosphere that most of the Old Masters, from Hieronymus Bosch to Michelangelo, were going for when they depicted the ‘Last Judgment.’ Mix 2 oz. of rum with 3 oz. of ginger beer, and garnish with a lime wedge.

10. Death in the Afternoon. Oh, that it could only be this painless. Pour 1-1/2 oz. of anis-flavored liqueur (pastis will do, but absinthe will add a note of the forbidden) into a 6 oz. champagne glass, and fill the rest with champagne.

9. Massacre. Most prophets of doom agree that this little number is more likely to be an apt prelude to Armageddon than a quiet, bubbly Death in the Afternoon. Shake the following with ice, and strain into a cocktail glass: 2 oz. tequila, 1 teaspoon of Campari and 4 oz. of ginger ale.

8. Apocalypse Now. Certainly the name is a reference to the Coppola film, but enough of these at one barstool sitting can certainly lead one to believe that the end is near (please note — I recommend drinking responsibly until it is absolutely clear that the Apocalypse is upon us). Throw a half ounce each of tequila and dry vermouth into a shot glass, stir well, and pour another 1/2 oz. of Irish cream on top.

7. Southern Bound Meteor. This’ll knock you out of orbit. Combine 1/2 oz. of Southern Comfort and 1/2 oz. of Goldschlager in a shot glass; drop in a stemless cherry; float a splash of 151 proof rum on top. Light on fire and serve. Experts advise putting out the fire before drinking. (Makes one wonder what is in a Northern Bound Meteor. Canadian ice wine, perhaps?)

6. The Last Round. A dry and subtle valedictory — a thinking drinker’s final curtain. Stir the following with ice and strain: 1 oz. gin, 1 oz. dry vermouth, 1/4 oz. brandy and 1/4 oz. pastis.

5. The Zombie. Nearly 100 zombie movies positively assert that our end could come by way of flesh-eating, reanimated corpses. While we await the science to back up this theory, try combining juice of limes, lemons, pineapples and oranges, some Da Vinci Gourmet Caribbean Falernum syrup and a little passion fruit syrup, some light and dark rum and some apricot brandy, and garnish it with a chunk of pineapple, a sprig of mint or a cherry. Just keeping track of the ingredients will keep your mind off dead cannibals for a short time, I should think.

4. H-Bomb. We might assume that classified technology has outpaced this thermonuclear device, that more ingenious ways of destroying humanity have been devised; but in the meantime, this little number can stand in for all forms of nuclear destruction. Take 1/2 oz. of yellow chartreuse, 1/2 oz. of green chartreuse, 3/4 oz. of brandy and 3/4 oz. of bourbon, shake with ice, pour, and stand back.

3. The Anti-Christ. When a Red Devil just won’t do. Throw some Everclear, some 151 proof rum and some Absolut Peppar in a shot glass with 3 dashes of Tabasco, and soon you’ll be sweating sixes.

2. Judgement Day. The closer you get to the end, the more Everclear you’ll need. Combine 1 oz. of Kahlua, 1 oz. of Jagermeister, 1 oz. of peppermint schnapps, 1/2 oz. of 151 proof rum and a half ounce of Everclear. Best to have your affairs in order before consuming.

1. Hell. 1-1/2 ounces of brandy and a half ounce of creme de menthe. What a coincidence — that’s my idea of hell, too.